officeloser

I'm not being mean but she's threatening to come into work dressed as a Witch on Friday in honour of Halloween.  Is it acceptable for a 36 year old woman to do this?

No, before you ask there is no fancy dress party or charity thing going on.  She says that she always goes to work on Halloween in costume.  I am beginning to wonder if she's having a mental breakdown.  Maybe I should say something to Tony in HR.  Second thoughts, what is he going to do about it? - I don't want to get my colleague sectioned.

On the Christmas present front I am thinking of getting Tony a pair of socks, is that too personal for some random bloke from work that you try to avoid? Well as it's anonymous he wont know they are from me.

If only I had picked Michelle I could have got her something Witchy, like some Grotbags stripey tights or a cauldron.

Argh I have just overheard Michelle talking to my boss about dressing up on Friday, he looks very concerned.

I don't actually need you to tell me why, I know why.  The weekend goes by so fast, I feel like I didn't get anything done and I am unable to get enough sleep on a Sunday night because I have a mega lay in on Sunday morning and go to bed late on Sunday night.

I was ill on Friday and spent the whole day in bed, well thats what I told my boss but really Michelle and I went out and had far too many Cocktails on Thursday evening and spent all night talking rubbish.

The shops are telling us that it will soon be Christmas, On a shopping channel recently they were trying to flog Christmas Brooches, as if someone is going to want to go around wearing a sparkly lit up christmas pudding or snowman in October, or any other time.  Still it is a thought of what to get a member of the family that you don't like very much.

Maybe I could use the filing as Christmas wrapping paper, if I spray it with silver paint who is going to know?

Apparently we have to put £5 into buying a christmas present for a colleague, but it's anonymous.  I seem to have picked out Tony in HR.  I would be very grateful for any suggestions of what to buy him?

I don't really know him too well but I do know he's an idiot.  I think the christmas Brooches only come in 12's unfortunately.

I am having the most boring day in the world, the weather is windy and horrible so I didn't even go out for lunch.

I am even getting bored with destroying the filing as I can't think of an original idea, I have tried shredding, recycling, hiding it places basically anything but putting it in the files they are meant to go in.  If you have any ideas then I would be very grateful!

My boss gave me some meeting notes to type up but I can't understand his writing, so far I have "HR will supply us with salary projections for the next 10 years. Tony has agreed that.."

It goes wrong after that as what it looks like is Tony has agreed that bears are gay and Michelle will help with that by providing figures.

I'm going to have to either leave it like that or make something up!

Oh yes, Michelle did turn up yesterday after all but not until 3.30pm, it turns out that she had a doctor appointment well at least thats what we were told.  Wasn't much point in turning up that late really.

Well Michelle didn't turn up for work today, maybe her talk with the boss didn't go too well last night and she admitted that she pooed on his desk and drew evil eyebrows in permanent marker on the picture of his wife. 
She hasn't called in as far as I know, but then my "team" don't talk to me anyway.  I am still yet to remember the names of the guy that picks his nose and the girl that comes in 10 - 20 minutes late each day and gives a complete account of her journey even though it's obvious that she just got up late as her hair is all over the place.  It's not uncommon for her jumper to be inside out, once I realised that she had her trousers on back to front.  She shuffled straight to the ladies to rectify this, it's no wonder she took so long to walk from the bus stop with her trousers on the wrong way, it's a miracle she made it here at all.

I noticed my boss popping a few pills earlier, is he stressed out because of the things his staff putting him through? No he's probably just got a headache.

 

I think Michelle is getting jittery and worried about people finding out that she did the desk present. She came back from lunch stinking of booze.

 

The boss noticed so he called her into his office, they have been in there for an hour so far. Hope she doesn't get fired, I know shes a bit weird but she's the only one that I can talk to here.

 

The men came to pick up the recyling earlier when I was on the 4th floor, I was upstairs using the shredder at the time and Tony from HR was waiting in line.

 

My heart leapt as he knocked the bin over, I quickly helped him pick up the papers and empty them into the giant bin, I caught his gaze for a second and he winked at me.

 

Great, now the big hairy recycling man thinks I fancy him, just what I need.

 

If Tony from HR had seen that I have dumped most of the weeks filing in the recycyling bin I would be fired for sure.

Oh my god, someone came back to the office on Friday evening and left a “present” on my bosses desk. I hope he doesn't think it was me, not a pleasant thing to come in to on a Monday morning. We had to go to the canteen for an hour while Office services reluctantly cleaned it off.

 

I had a chat with Michelle in the canteen and she confessed that it was her that left the present, as a drunken prank that went a bit too far. I am very shocked and disgusted but as she knows my filing secret I don't feel I can tell anyone. Besides it's very lonely in this office, it would be good to have a friend, even if it is a friend that gets drunk and shits on your bosses desk.

When I got in this morning someone had placed a picture on my desk of a woman with evil eyebrows drawn on with permanent marker, I think Michelle did it as she's the only joker in the group. I mischievously dropped the picture on screechy girls desk thankfully my boss is in meetings all afternoon which means I can play Wordscraper on Facebook all day.

 

My boss came back from his meeting at 4.55 and immediately called us into a meeting room to ask who had drawn evil eyebrows on the photo of his wife and put it on Screechy womans desk. No one owned up, he is not in a good mood, what a great way to start our relaxing bowling evening out.

 

Turns out that most people didn't eat before coming out and after a couple of pre-bowling drinks in the bar they're quite merry.

 

Anyway I am crap at bowling so spent most of the time laughing at Tony from HR, he slipped over about 5 times when he insisted on only using the heaviest ball then got his finger stuck in the kiddie sized ball and had to go to Accident and Emergency to get it removed.

 

I ended up having a bit too much to drink and told Michelle about my filing disposing plan. She has vowed to join me in the battle of mount Everest

Maybe I was a bit hasty with the excitement over the team building meal. It turns out that I am in the fussiest team in the world. Two people hate fish, one is wheat intolerant, there is one veggie we also have a vegan and someone that wont eat potato. Who doesn't eat potato? - these people are freaks.

 

Anyway, I have decided that we are all going to go bowling after work instead, that way people can eat whatever they want before we go out and I don't have to worry about it.

I am becoming a bit lax with the “filing”, but today I stumbled upon the recycling bin - yes literally walked into it. I dumped most of the filing straight in.

I slipped a few sheets of the filing under my lunch tray in the canteen and just left it there, I figured it would have a better chance of being read again that way.

 

They're still dumping it in the urgent tray, idiots, they deserve all they get.

 

Oh and I have been nominated by my manager to arrange a team building meal for Friday. At last something I will be good at, this is the best thing that could have happened, I can forget about the filing for a bit and concentrate on the fun parts of life, food and drink.

How are they generating all of this paperwork so quickly?

 

They have meetings just for the sake of it, the last one was meant to be about Carols retirement and other people “taking up the slack” as my boss put it. Instead, Tony from Human Resources managed to bang on for a whole hour about the mating habits of weasels and how we aren't meant to print out emails or use the photocopiers for personal use. Quite rich seeing as we all know that he photocopied his buttocks at the last Christmas party, but Michelle said he probably wouldn't remember, nice of her to put a reminder on the notice board after the meeting with the words in Red Felt tip “have you seen the owner of these buttocks?” - “report to HR” and his extension number.

 

Maybe someone does have a sense of humour after all.

 

Someone put it in the filing tray.

Ugh, back to this place, I get some coffee to try and wake up and on the way have a brain storming session with myself to think of more ingenious ways to rid myself of the filing. It comes to me as I am stirring the milk in, I'll just keep stashing it in my desk drawer, I have a key to lock it safely in with. I grab a mound of papers and shove it in, smiling to myself, they can wonder what I am laughing at for a change.

 

The bastards, I just noticed today that they have diverted all of their phones through to me, I wondered why theirs weren't ringing. So I have diverted mine to that girl with the screechy laugh, hope she chokes on her cornflakes.

Oh bugger. I am now set up on the email system which is really good news. What is not so great is that I mistakenly sent an email to everyone in the building saying “hurrah, I am finally set up on the email system”. I only meant to type it and then send it to my friend, Debbie but I added the email group “Department”

 

I got 1,996 out of office replies and one cheeky so and so invited me to join in an Initiation Process at 5pm outside, I wont tell you what it involved as I still blush when I think about it.

 

My boss called me in after and told me that what I did was a misuse of company resources. I tried to explain that it was an accident and left to shred some more filing. Unfortunately the shredder was out of order so I need to think of other ways of reducing mount Everest.

 

I had to chase my boss around for 30 minutes to get him to sign my time sheet, I hope I don't have to do this every Friday.

 

Looking forward to a paper free weekend.

I am beginning to think that they all hate me, my team were all in a meeting when I got in this morning that I wasn't informed of. When they came out they shuffled back to their desks quietly and started typing, probably to each other about the huge mountain of filing that I had left.

 

I decided I would have to do something about that so have started shredding it when no one is looking. I put a whole stash of papers in my rucksack and took it to the shredder on the 4th floor. Hope no one saw me, it would look like filing stealing and that would be really mental.

Still no email, but my boss helpfully printed one out. No, it was not a hilarious picture from the internet, but a four page summary of what we agreed were my duties from the filing team meeting. This mostly consists of filing, filing and more filing.

 

Michelle introduced herself today, she seems nice, we had a chat about our love of stationery at the tea point earlier and agreed that all staplers should be red. I can only hope that she was being sarcastic as I definitely was.

 

She showed me later on how to use the Financial system to pay invoices. She left me alone to pay some and I didn't have the heart to mention that she had her skirt tucked into her knickers all afternoon. Well I only realised when she got up to walk away and it was too late them wasn't it.

 

The filing tray is beginning to really mount up so I thought I would tackle it this afternoon. Unfortunately I have no hole punch, I tried to make holes with a paper clip and then a pair of scissors but to no avail. This took up most of the afternoon and made a bit of a mess.

You would not believe this but we have an urgent filing tray, when the hell would filing be classed as urgent? - it's never going to be a matter of life and death to put a piece of paper in a folder and store it in a cabinet never to be seen again by the human eye.

 

They have still not set me up on email, in fact they barely talk to me. Yesterday we had a team meeting about filing, funny how it's a team “issue” but I seem to be the only person expected to do it.

 

If someone could tell me how to pay an invoice this would be helpful, I have had 20 phone calls from suppliers today asking when they will receive their money. I asked my boss but he just said to ask Michelle, I don't even know who Michelle is, on my first day I was introduced to about 50 people. I think they should be made to wear name badges, may suggest this at the next team meeting.

You'll never guess what, I have a job in an office. It's something to do with paying invoices which I have never done before, usually I just photocopy and file. Hope there is no filing involved in this job as it's my ultimate nightmare.

 

I started today it's brilliant, I have my own desk, telephone, in-tray and computer and everything. I'm not set up on the email system yet, which is a bit of a pain as everyone else is and I can tell when a joke has been sent round as every 30 minutes or so they all look up and nod knowingly.

 

After lunch I almost spat my tea out at my boss when the woman that sits behind me screeched like a banshee, I managed to sneak a look and it was an email of a man with an infeasibly large pair of testicles doing a handstand. Glad I had already had my sandwich, which happened to be a meatball Sub.